Tuesday, January 14, 2014

That awkward moment in bed when you gently caress your wife's Snoogle

C is for Snoogle?
Or is it a large mustache?

So there is this awesome product out there for pregnant women, or women shortly after they had a baby.  It is designed to keep the mom on her side when pregnant to avoid undue pressure on the arteries in the back, and nerves, and so on.  It is about 5' long and hooked at both ends, and a woman curls up in it.

And I cannot lie.  As a man who sometimes gets a nap in (we all love nappies, don't deny it) a Snoogle snuggle is sometimes just what the doctor ordered.  Or would have ordered.  If the doctor knew about the therapeutic properties of a Snoogle.  If you don't have kids and are reading this, don't judge me and my Snoogle and I won't judge you and your Snuggie.

It also can be useful post baby as a corral for a child or for mama to curl up in with a baby next to her.  My wife used it after since she had a c-section and it gently held things together without irritating her incision.  Now that she is pregnant with our second, the Snoogle hiatus is over.  It has rejoined us in bed.  While that doesn't bother me at all, what does is it create a barrier.  A sort of Great Wall of Snoogle.  Which post birth isn't bad because it keeps a man at bay.

What it does create is awkward moments.  Like for instance a short while ago my wife was lying facing me and the opening on the Snoogle was facing me as well.  Like Pacman was eating my wife and I was next.  However this wasn't made aware to me when she got into bed, and I had my back to her.  Well she wanted to snuggle, but instead of moving the Snoogle she was straddling it and scooted up close.  And I got the full package; I got probed by her Snoogle phalange right in my rump.  I mentioned that and we laughed, then I told her to put it away and I wasn't in the mood; which we laughed some more and promptly returned to watching the baby monitor.

There are other instances of thinking I am caressing her thigh.....Snoogled.

Or pinching a heiny.....Snoogled.

Or trying to get out of bed after trying to sleep in.....Snoogled.  Just because it is so gosh darn comfy I don't want to leave.

Baby monitors - A parent's ability to be creepy

OOH....OOH....I think I might have seen a finger move!
"We see you when you're sleeping,
We know when you're awake...."

It's not Santa and Mrs. Claus singing the song, it is my wife and I.  Why?  Because baby monitor.

Now I realize most parents get it so they can see their kid and make sure there is nothing wrong, or see when the child wakes up, or see if the children are NOT sleeping and goofing around.  And while my wife and I had good intentions at first similar to those above, we ended up being creepy and just watch the monitor.

By watching the monitor I don't mean mindlessly like you would during a movie.  I mean WATCHING the monitor like that creepy guy that hangs out at the bus terminal in the summer months when the high school girls transfer buses.  That kind of creepy.

My wife and I would lay in bed for a while and watch our son toss and turn in his sleep.  Or not do anything and we would sit there and watch to see if he might do something.  Which he usually didn't.  But we still watched intently; much like any male would do during the scene in Act of Valor where the SOC-R boats turn the corner and lit up the cartel members.  Both of these intense movies require supreme concentration.  And mini-guns, lots of bullets, oh and wipes.  So many wipes.

No bunny!  It doesn't have to end this way!!
Now don't get me wrong, the monitor has been great.  Especially when our son would start crying and we could see what the matter was without enter the room.  Because we all know as parents when you enter the room, it is a security breach and EVERYONE needs to get out because no man gets left behind.  Perhaps my wife and I are an anomaly with our weirdness, but I would hesitate to think that....fully.

However the fun part began when my son got older and we would catch him purposely hurling his lovie (a stuffed Ikea bunny) out of the crib and then stand there and call to it.

I realize in many places this would be a felony offense of trespassing or privacy invasion of some sorts, but not as a parent.  It is considered essential that we see everything that is going on, because you know, parents and all that jazz.  

Don't judge me.

Its for the kids!  For our future!