Tuesday, November 20, 2012

So snugly, cuddly, and dead

So before my son was born my wife and I had the challenge of registering at stores for the baby showers.  And by challenge I mean, as a dad, registering for more random crap than you actually need.....and getting away with it.  The "getting away" part being the REAL challenge.  Any guy can take a handheld scanner and "BEEP" some bar codes, but it takes a real man to put you foot down when your wife asks you "Why did you register for a walker with a classic car shape to it?  He won't walk for almost a year!" and say no.  Doesn't mean it stays on there, or you won't be singing an octave higher, but the foot was put down and if it is still there, and you're not referred to as Hop-a-long Cassidy, you did good.  (Just don't take my advice)

But as we were walking through the store, myself now disarmed and disallowed from holding the scanner, I was looking at blankets.  You know the super soft ones that you, as a grown adult, could fall asleep on like Snuggle Bear himself wove a blanket from his own fur and flesh.  Those soft ones.  Well as I was perusing them, at many times (and out loud) I would comment on how a LION IS NOT SUPPOSED TO PLAY A FRIGGIN' GUITAR WITH A ZEBRA.....seriously?  Lions EAT zebras, they don't sing Kumbaya around a campfire, unless it is a pride of other lions spit roasting a zebra......but back to the story.

So as I am trying not to fall asleep touching all of these blankets, my breath is taken away and I feel like I am the guy in the first Saw that just watched the bloody guy on the floor get up, walk out and close the door at the end (sorry if I spoiled that one for you).  But I am aghast at the sight before me.  Littered all over this plush covering of cuteness and cushy fluffiness that could have been woven from the neck hairs of angels is DEAD TEDDY BEARS.......

Actual picture from the crime scene

Literally LEGIONS of teddy bears lie dead - lifeless - like there was a bucket of cowboy figurines that made their murderous pillage of some sort of Shire of Winnie the Poohs.  These helpless bears never knew what hit them, couldn't defend themselves, and weren't buddy-buddy with the Ewoks (we all know them Ewoks be crazy).  I stood there, fighting back the tears, and proceeded to "bury" the dead in a bin of throw pillows. There was a moment of silence between Kelly Clarkson and Pink as I stood at the grave site for the said victims of the senseless rampage of Bed, Bath, and Beyond's baby linen section by a marauding band of heartless killers.

The worst part was they seem to have sold some of the dead bear blankets.  I was horrified as an adult and being awake upon encountering the scene, but how bad will it be for a kid who has this lovey blanky that they take with them everywhere and one day see a cartoon character play dead with the "X" eyes?  How can any parent tell their child, who has tears in their eyes for goodness sake, that they didn't know about the crazy cowboy raid on Teddy Bear haven and it's despicable depiction on their lovey?  Poor child will be scarred for life, probably require years of therapy of how they don't know if anything their parents told them wasn't a lie, like "Well all those teddy bears are in heaven though honey!".......like that Santa character not being real.

Remember moms and dads, the murderous story of the Pooh family has it's place to be told but let's let the kids just enjoy the yesteryear stories of the happiness and joy that embodied our now fallen heroes before their annihilation.

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