Monday, December 17, 2012

The floating baby

As a dad, and many can attest to this, you become non-existent.  Not worthless or useless, but not there.  Very ghost like, which can be useful in instances like where the flatulence cometh upth from the rectal region of the papa.  Because if you're not there, its the baby's fault.  And we all will agree, baby farts are extremely cute which means they offset the stench that lingers in their path.

Notice the gas streak

But what we really become as fathers is a coat rack for babies.  Come on in and hang up your baby!  Or in a father's case, I go somewhere carrying Jojo and become the stand on which the baby is viewed.  Like a base for babies.  Some people may not know what I mean, but a dad with a cute or handsome baby knows what I mean.  Somehow people treat our child as if there are an embodied spirit hovering randomly in the air; completely oblivious to the figure holding the baby.  Like we have been real time green-screened out of the picture and here is this cute baby.

Ugly baby parents can stop reading now.  You know who you are; if you get comments on how strong your baby is, how well tempered they are, or how nice the stroller is, you have an ugly baby, bless his or her heart. (Always finish off a sentence about an ugly baby with that phrase, just makes things right)

The illegitimate love child of Mr. Bean and Borat

I often get folks at church or out and about come up to Jojo and start talking to him when I am holding him and somewhere near the time they will be leaving they then notice me.  So I have a little fun with them but doing some or all of the following:

  1. Shift positions.  A LOT.
  2. Constantly turn in sharp 90* angles.  Like you are in a military formation.  Right FACE!
  3. Raise the baby up and slowly lower them like they are too heavy to hold.
  4. Do weirdo things like sniff the baby's head or neck and make a comment like, "Oooo...ripe!"
  5. Make a burp noise but move the baby's mouth and make a wise crack about boob juice.
  6. Yell out in dismay that the diaper is now reaching capacity.
  7. Offer to pass the baby to them after 1-6 has been completed.
Sure, that might be, as some call it, RUDE, but listen the kid gets 50% of their looks, charm, demeanor, and ability to make bodily noises from the paternal gene.  So while we dads will silently continue to be the shelf on which to display the babies, we will no longer struggle in silence but be silent in our defiance.  Because eventually someone will have to change that diaper and we know the easel only holds the art, it doesn't paint it or clean the brushes afterwards.

And chunky paint doesn't clean well when you only have one hand to clean with.

Got off easy....this time.

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